CW: Mental health and Eating disorder
It’s 2 p.m. on a Sunday afternoon. I’m completely burnt out. I’ve been looking forward to the weekend, specifically today since we don’t have much planned, and yet, I’m typing a Substack newsletter after researching TikTok viral trends and marketing strategies for the past two hours. Before that, I was working on blog posts for my website and on Canva making new content for Instagram.
My day off is ruined.
I have something “wrong” with my brain. I’m not really sure what it is, but mixed in with my depression diagnosis and anxiety is a hamster on a wheel spinning a million rotations a minute without being able to stop. I want to stop, but I truly can’t.
I recognize the emotion since I used to/still have at times an eating disorder. My brain was locked in a prison and I desperately wanted to be healthy but I couldn’t stop my pattern of behavior. After getting treatment, my therapist warned me that some of this binge/purge mentality will always be with me and may transfer to other aspects of my life. For example, I often fill online shopping carts only to never buy a single item. Is that’s what’s happening now?
Have you felt this way? I’ve asked friends and those with ADHD said their minds are often like this. Others who have autism also empathized. I talked to a therapist who told me I absolutely have ADHD and another who told me I’m “just forgetful.” All I know is, I literally can’t stop myself from working or moving or embroidering or writing or baking or whatever my latest obsession happens to me.
Sometimes, this brain of mine is helpful. I’m learning Korean, I’ve had a home bakery, I’m a published author, I multi-task like a boss (until I forget things because I have too much crowding my head), but the mental toll really becomes noticeable over time. Doing everything all the time without being able to simply sit and relax is a lot.
How do you cope? What do you find relaxing?
If your brain is a hamster on a wheel, what helps?